The identities of the following sex therapy clients have been disguised in this article to protect their anonymity.

Visualize yourself in a sex therapy session. What do you see? A leather couch? Maybe a stuffy academic sitting off in the corner, nodding incessantly and scribbling down God knows what as you divulge your deepest fantasies and fears.

Or perhaps you see yourself lying face down on a massage table as the therapist gives your anus and prostate a gentle once-over before laying out a strict penis-exercise regime to help you master your domain.

If that last bit raised your… ummm… eyebrow, then read on and enter the world of local sex therapist and educator Cheryl Swan, who seven years ago started Holistic Sex Therapy & Education. It’s a unique venture that combines the psychological and emotional aspects of counselling with hands-on bodywork.

“It’s ironic that we think we can deal with sexual issues without dealing with the body…. I just find that bizarre,” says Swan, 41. Her university degrees in education and fine arts merged well with therapy-related training and she is a member of the Sex Information and Education Council of Canada. “Sex is one of the great places where adults can play. Human beings are creatures of touch. We can live without sex; we can’t live without touch.”

So, are the citizens of this notoriously button-down, conservative prairie metropolis looking to reach out and be touched? You bet, says Swan, who describes one client’s tendency to hook up with fellow drivers — strangers — during rush hour before continuing home to be with her husband. “That’s the straight-laced business Calgary. That’s what happens.”

“We pretend to be so good, so straight, so perfect,” she says. “But the same person sitting at church or at work being perfect is seeing three hookers a week or has a dungeon in their basement.”

Fast Forward Weekly pries open Swan’s schedule book to see what a typical workday for an atypical sex therapist looks like. (Names and identifying details have been changed.)

10:00 a.m. – John and Lisa. Three-month couples rejuvenation.

Originally they sought therapy because they were only having sex four times a year and now thye’re half -way through a three-month couples rejuvenation package. They have both been in for an individual session and today is their first joint session.

Night after night, John plants himself in front of his living room TV. His partner, Lisa, does the same — in the bedroom. A once active sex life has all but dried up and left town, dropping by to visit only as often as the seasons change. They’ve sought alternatives to spice things up — swing clubs, online dating — only to find themselves increasingly disassociated from one another.

This, says Swan, is an “astonishingly common” scenario — a symptom of a near pathological need to overachieve on a professional level, while utterly failing in the relationship department. It’s a situation she labels DINS (double income, no sex). “I think a lot of people are having boring sex. Or they’re not having any. We’ve all got Gucci handbags, but no one’s having any orgasms or connecting.”

When couples try to legitimize this situation by insisting they have a good relationship in every other way, the needle on Swan’s “bullshit metre” hits red. “Sex is communication, so obviously it is a symptom of communication failure. What I hear over and over with couples is, ‘Oh yeah, we talk all day long.’ But they talk about other things: the weather, Tiger Woods, the stock market… none of that matters. That’s what I emphasize to them.”

Swan first meets with the couples on an individual basis to suss out the situation because, as she puts it, “people will be totally dishonest. Even if they’re husband and wife and been together for 25 years, they’ll sit here and lie.” She then conducts a joint session and assigns homework and intimacy-based strategies to reconnect the troubled couple both emotionally and physically.

“It takes some patience and willingness on both sides to let the bricks of the wall come down,” she says. “It can feel a little weird only having sex four times a year and now having it more often.”

Noon – Steven. Coaching on longer-lasting orgasms.

Steven's wife originally called looking for information because his premature ejaculation issues were really starting to affect his self-esteem and their ability to connect and enjoy sex.

Most men, like Steven, measure their masculinity on the quality and duration of their performance. Even a rare occurrence of jumping the gun can be a blow to the male ego. If it becomes common, it can be devastating and turn a once-firm relationship flaccid.

“Often the greater problem with (premature ejaculation) is that it affects every part of their life because their self-esteem is destroyed,” says Swan. “It affects relationships because it feels as though they've let down their partner time after time. They don't want to talk about it; they don't want to feel like a disappointment. It causes fights and all sorts of things.”

If a medical exam by a doctor turns up nothing worrisome there are unique skills men can learn to gain more control over their erratic erection, says Swan.

While the first half of the session revolves around a sit-down discussion of Steven’s problem, the second half involves a more hands-on approach. But let's be clear: this is not a handjob, but rather a kegel training session for men. “The idea is there are certain set skills involving muscle groups in the body — to tense and relax at appropriate times — that need to be learned,” she says. “I’ve done it without the body-work portion and invariably people come back and say, ‘It didn’t work.’ But it always works when I do the body-work portion.”

Swan is currently working on a new book, Owner's and Operator's Guide to the Penis, in which she shares these skills learned through various courses and on-the-job training.

2:30 p.m. – Alex. Sex addiction session.

Alex has attended a 12-step program for several years but has found it is no longer moving him forward. He believes that words have power and re-identifying himself as an addict at every meeting is bothering him. He also finds it victimizing to claim he has no power and has a sickness. Because of additional stress in his life lately, he fears he may act out again. Alex is seeking a more accountable, empowering approach to dealing with his addictive nature.

Addiction of any kind is complex and often requires a great deal of patience and understanding to endure the inherent successes and failures. Treating sex addiction, however, is unique in that, unlike drugs and alcohol, the objective isn’t to abstain completely from the activity, contends Swan. “It’s healthy; it’s good for you. There’s research that shows the more we have sex, the more happy and satisfied human beings we are. So we don’t want to take that away.”

Swan approaches the addiction in a way she believes is less counter-intuitive than many other treatments. Clients, like Alex, are coming to her seeking an environment where the treatment mentality is less about being a victim of a disease and more about developing empowerment strategies.

“With all this new consciousness around us, people are saying, ‘I don’t want to say I’m an addict.’ We don’t say that every single day of our lives; we don’t identify in that way. So what about, ‘I’m healed,’” says Swan. “Saying ‘I'm an addict’ every day is really the complete opposite of an affirmation; you're affirming negative.”

4:30 p.m. – Mike. Prostate and pelvic floor pressure point massage.

Mike was originally referred by his doctor. He has had every test known and medications were of no assistance. Mike has come in for one talk therapy session and now comes in once a month for prostate and pelvic floor massage.

Up until the ’70s, prostate massage was a common treatment for prostatitis — inflammation of the prostate gland — but has since fallen out of favour. Because of the vulnerable nature of this work, sessions are generally conducted individually. “It’s too vulnerable,” says Swan, “and the masculine energy is basic competition between men, ‘I’m not going to admit my weaknesses to another guy. No way.’”

She does offer couples sessions as a way to learn to massage each other and add “another tool in the toolbox.”

“Some people are challenged with the body-work portion,” says Swan. “They don’t understand it. You say the word ‘anal’ and people are freaking out. [Europeans] can’t even fathom how we’re so uptight. [Body-work] is really common in other parts of the world, but in Calgary it’s not that common, yet.”

What is this thing called libido anyway? You can’t see it or touch it but Baby you know when it is fired up and sadly when it is not. The Oxford Dictionary defines it as: a psychic impulse or drive, especially that associated with sexual desire.

The most common concern I hear from women lately is a lack of libido. For some reason we are not feeling very libidinous or lustful. I was asked over drinks at the Opera intermission recently, “Why do men think about sex so much?” My question in return was, “Why are we women thinking about it so little?”

I find it tragically ironic that in our culture where sex is used to sell everything from condominiums to chewing gum, 30% to 50% of women say they have little or no interest in sex according to a recent USA Today survey. A reported one in three marriages has the brother/sister dynamic going on. Don’t even get me started on the infidelity rate, let me assure you, the old saying is true, “If you are not sleeping with your husband, someone else is, or soon will be.” We have new acronyms cropping up like, DINS (Double Income No Sex) or indeed SINS (Single Income No Sex). What is going on with us girls!? Where has our juicy vivaciousness gone? This issue extends far beyond the act of sex. The world is a more stimulating, vibrant and interesting place for everyone to be in when there are more women walking down the street with a twinkle in their eyes and a spring in their Manolo Blahniks. Ideally, others are saying, “Mamma Mia, I want what she had for breakfast!” When we are in that, “vavoom” state of being, the day to day becomes delightful as if by magic!

In my clientele and friends I have noticed a few common themes contributing to this drab, low libido syndrome.

1. We stay in unsatisfactory relationships, situations, jobs…fill in the blank, and when we are unhappy we wilt, emotionally, physically and mentally.

2. We are taught from an early age to deny and later to numb our true emotions through antidepressants, addictions, shopping and T.V., many have a more intimate relationship with their P.V.R. than their primary partner. Are we so afraid to feel?!

3. Our “Can Do”, North American work ethic glorifies pleasure anorexia. If you are too busy to allow yourself to experience some sort of pleasure, yes maybe even sex, with another human being or yourself, on a daily basis – YOU ARE TOO BUSY!!!

We are letting our feminine energy drain away and dry up. I find this a terrible shame. We are saying yes when we want to say no and no when we want to say yes. We keep giving and giving and giving until it is all gone. We feel it is wrong or difficult to set healthy boundaries with our work, partners, children and commitments. Repeat after me, “Healthy boundaries are good for me, they help define my sense of self, protect me, put me in charge of my own life and promote healthy relationships.” Well done! Keep in mind we are teaching the ones who look up to us how to be in the world.

I suggest an alternative. Why not use the power of pleasure to have your way with the world? In her wonderful book, “Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts” Regena Thomashauer speaks of enhancing and expanding the voice of women by fanning the flames of their desires, which opens the doors of fun and pleasure for everyone. Her book teaches us to use the powers of desire, not effort, to attain our goals. Mama says, “You will own and enjoy your sense of pleasure, joy, sensuality and yes, greediness!” So, wear what makes you feel girly, eat chocolate and wink at the handsome guy you pass on the street! Today is a special celebration! It is a day that will never come again for you to suck all of the fun, joy and sensual pleasure out of that you are able! Remember the world is a much happier place when its women are happy. Cause, if Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!! My two sons will attest to that one!

Take a blank piece of paper and make two columns. At the top of one column write: things that add to my energy and enjoyment of life. Label the other column: things that drain or exhaust me. Now, take an inventory of your life. What are the people, activities and commitments that belong under each column? Once you have your lists your next task is to eliminate, delegate, reduce or rework the items in the column that drains your energy and promote, embrace and indulge the column that invigorates you! Heck, even add a few more items to the list that you have always wanted to try. If your mother-in-law is an energy vampire, tactfully limit the time you spend around her. If yoga, girlfriend time, getting that mani/pedi, or indulging in a luxurious nap rejuvenates your spirit, schedule them regularly!

I will leave you with this quote that I once saw in an Oprah magazine: "When you die, God and the angels will hold you accountable for all the pleasures you were allowed in life that you denied yourself."- Anonymous

Have you had your daily dose of pleasure today?!

Well not totally fat but fatter than I care to be. If your sexy mommy tummy has gone south and you feel nearer to marshmallow than MILF, read on. You may be asking yourself at this point, “What does this have to do with dating, sex or relationships?” Well, this article is about your most important relationship of all, drum roll please. Your relationship with yourself of course!!!

I used to have a flat stomach I swear, as I dig for my wedding pictures. Let me see, were the first or the second wedding pictures better? I digress, at any rate, my skin is too big for me and I blame a convergence of diabolical forces I call, SCEBIG. What is this strange phenomenon you ask? Well firstly it is alarmingly close to SheBig. It is actually an acronym for Stress, Comfort Eating, Babies, Indulgence and Gravity. While I have now reduced my stress, the body takes some time to recover I am told. Did you know that prolonged stress can elevate cortisol to unhealthy levels in our bodies. Along with a whole host of nasty effects it can contribute to the storage or excess abdominal fat. There is yet one more motivating reason to maintain a happy and peaceful life. I’m spending more spa time nurturing myself, so I don’t feel the need to comfort eat as often. The supplement 5-HTP is also helping tremendously in that department. I have tried to lighten up gravity but so far have had no luck. What is the lesson in this one? Well it must be, acceptance of the things we cannot change I suppose. My inner control freak is still resisting this one a bit. I have no intention of giving up the two other things that make my life worth living. My babies being the first, after all the damage was done 8 and 13 years ago and there is no point longing for my BC (before children) body at this point. So, you will be relieved to know, I have decided to keep the children! The second thing I am keeping are my small indulgences. I refuse to forsake the Bernard Callebaut chocolate, the Janice Beaton cheese or the WG Wines. The more European -oriented my lifestyle is, the happier I am. In fact I stumbled upon a wonderful little book on this topic recently titled, “French women don’t get fat” by Mireille Guiliano. The book gives real life strategies on how to embrace the things in life that give us pleasure and cut back on those that are merely filler. The book focuses on being relaxed and filled with the pleasures of life. If we are stressing about loosing weight, we are adding to our stress levels (don’t do it – remember the abdominal fat) and focusing on the problem not the solution. Everything in moderation, including moderation is the theme.

So, with Stampede upon us, like a kid on a corndog, what are my options? Short of emergency lipo, the cutesy denim mini dress from last year will have to bide its time until Stampede 2009. Instead, among other things, I nabbed a playful and flattering cowgirl couture corset from my favourite hair stylist. Deva Dave Salon & Boutique! www.devadave.com You are guaranteed to leave Dave’s a happier person than when you went in. Even if the retail therapy fails, Dave will make you giggle! This in itself is a health treatment because laughing releases positive hormones into your bloodstream. Thank you Dave Richards! My cowgirl corset as I explained to my architect friend, who is a definite cleavage and leg man, is all about infrastructure. With the correct foundational support any cowgirl can maximize her assets!

From this Stampede to the next, I challenge you to focus on your assets instead of your self-perceived shortcomings. You will notice plenty once you start looking. In cultivating any relationship, a healthy measure of acceptance and non-judgment is critical. Most of us are much better at doing this with others than in our relationship with number one. I’m sure none of us would allow anyone else on the planet to speak to us in the way our inner judge gets going at times. Let us accept and be forgiving of the ways in which our emotional and physical bodies respond to the winding road that is life. And if the treadmill and personal trainer don’t get the results you desire, I hear there are some excellent cosmetic surgery retreats in Costa Rica. Reportedly, they have one of the best health care systems in the world. A girl can get a few alterations done, enjoy a couple eco tours and get spa treatments every day, returning refreshed and rejuvenated, all for the price of a great designer handbag. Sounds like a trip for the friends to go on together if you ask me!!

"Your power to live a pleasurable, prosperous life lies in your willingness to focus your attention on thoughts, people, places, and events that are joyful, fun, sexy and uplifting. Your specific desires aren't selfish. Their fulfillment is designed to uplift the entire planet." Christiane Northrup MD.

I was at a charity event recently and was approached by a woman asking if most couples that go to therapy end up divorced. I answered that, indeed, repressed issues may come up in relationship therapy sessions that can lead to a reevaluation of the relationship. To wit my questioner turned to her husband and said, “See honey, if we go to counseling we will end up divorced. So I was right, we should not go for counseling.”

The logic of that statement reminds me of a character in a movie I once saw who, when she found out that blonds are at higher risk for skin cancer, promptly dyed her hair brunette. No, “de-nile” is not just a river in Africa my friends.

Part of the problem is that many couples see counseling as a last resort. Therefore it puts them on the counselors couch in the last stages of their relationship. At this point there is little left to do but decide who gets the cottage and the home theatre system.

An event planner friend and I agreed over lunch recently, that we should collaborate to include a relationship-counseling package with the unique weddings she orchestrates for savvy proactive couples. This would assist in building a solid foundation to keep their relationships as healthy and happy as they were originally intended to be. In that way we mused, we could help them celebrate their golden anniversary after 50 years of wedded bliss!

The main underlying issue I see in my practice is that we are never taught to communicate. When faced with difficult, embarrassing or uncomfortably intimate issues, it is often easier to swallow than speak our emotions. For a couple I counseled recently it was a cruel realization that after years of living in an uncomfortably numb state, they both looked in the mirror to discovered people they did not like. The problem with not addressing issues is that repression stifles self-expression. Let me tell you, these were lovely individuals who looked back with regret at not seeking therapy sooner. He marveled at his realization that although he had never intended to become, “that guy” who buried himself in work and appeared not to care, he had. She mourned her formerly vivacious self, faced with a cold and shut down woman in the mirror. So, I would advise you to heed those little white elephants in the middle of the living room. They tend to multiply and grow without proper tending. Anais Nin summed it up well, “Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.”

Complacency, unconsciousness, cowardice and apathy are what kill our relationships and our individuality. I often think that relationships should be under contract and renewed annually after a performance review. When I say renewed, I mean that in the best way possible. Let’s celebrate joyfully the amazing aspects of our connections and proactively and collaboratively strategize to improve upon the areas that need work, to get us the results we deserve. If we want to achieve excellence in any area we get ourselves trained and educated on the matter and apply ourselves diligently to it. Relationships are no different. After all, we are vibrant amazing women who deserve to be empowered, supported and nurtured by our relationships. This means maintaining them regularly as you would a fabulous manicure. When we vigilantly keep our relationships healthy and lustrous they pay off in kind!